Idiots. All of them.
I just watched helplessly as my very purpose in death crashed down before my eyes. However, now that you’re here, allow me to take a step back to bring you up to speed. I don’t remember much of my life as a human, back when I was still alive and all. However, I do remember the jokes. God damn it, I loved pranking people; Old, young, men, women, I didn’t discriminate.
“You should be more kind to those around you,” the chief shaman of my tribe would tell me. I’d laugh him off and continue my shenanigans, tormenting those around me. At the time, I thought it all in good fun, but I was a cruel trickster, and I suppose looking back I deserve all of this. I finally met my end at the age of twenty seven in the middle of one of my tricks. I was out near the rapids fishing for salmon when I spotted a whee little bear cub.
“Perfect,” I thought to myself, spotting my next victim. I took some of the fish I’d caught and ran over to the bear, allowing it to smell the delicious salmon before dangling it just out of the bear’s reach. It wasn’t long before I recall seeing a large shadow and hearing a guttural roar only inches behind my oh-so-sexy head, an extension of my body I would soon find soaring separated from my body, like a big, elegant, very bloody eagle, dive bombing into the very stream I pulled the fish from that inspired my final prank. Now dead, and having head my last laugh, I was confronted in a large medow by the spirit guardians, a wide aray of awesome looking beasts of the wild. I’d always believed when I died I’d join their ranks in looking after my people.
“Ata’halne,” a large owl spirit called to me by name. “You will join us as a spirit guardian, reaping what you’ve spent your tragically short life sowing in these fields.” Damn, I was excited! I was gonna be like a bear, or a cougar, and destroy the enemies of my people with my watchful claws of death. “Your actions in life will reflect your spirit form. I am the wise owl, my eyes and ears more keen than any other. Warriors who fought and killed for their people are fearsome beasts of the wild. All animals have a purpose. As you can see, we become what we already are. You, my Ata’halne, you spent your life pestering those around you, and in the end you lost your life for it.” My heart sank as I realized where he was going with this. “You will take the form of the gnat, who has no purpose other than to bother man and be squished in his fingers as you buzz in his ear.”
A god damn gnat. I’m sure the spirits thought it funny at the time, returning the favor for my vicious jokes on their people. So here I am, the other guardians long faded and forgotten from this place, leaving me to watch over the land and protect it from evil-doing blood sacrificers in the form of a gnat, which worked brilliantly by the way! Trust me, I buzzed in those ears, tried to fly up and land on their eyeballs, and scouted their nostrils, and hovered in front of their face to make them swat at me and just pissed those evil sacrificial native american wanna be’s right off. I mean, after centuries of experience, I am one hell of a gnat. It almost worked too, until a bunch of white savages with fully automatic weaponry came and destroyed all of my hard work.
It didn’t look so bad at first, these men even discussing the fact that laying down an ancient artifact in a pool full of unintended human sacrifices just might be a bad idea. Then they did it anyway. My adorable little gnat mandibles dropped when they still decided to put the head of that cougar in the pool of water regardless of the doom markings, the creepy blood water, and the yellow cougar head of “this can’t possibly be a trap!”
Oh man did that cave light up with all sorts of dark energy when that blood spirit-thing appeared. All I can do now is follow these poor souls so that I may tell the story of their doom when and if man should ever arise on the earth again. That is, if I can convince anyone to listen to “The Ancient, Legendary Spirit Guardian, Gnat” when all of this is over.